In My Humble Opinion, April 4, 2012

Yesterday was not an easy day.

In fact I just wanted to go away.

Permanently.



I still have some residual feelings of that leftover.  However, I won't do it because:

1. I don't like pain
2. I'm afraid to die
3. My family

I am not a happy person.  It's time for me to leave my current job and find a new one.  It'll be a task and I'm actually willing to do so just so that I can leave.  I used to think I wanted to find a job in this area but the fact is that as long as it's away from where I currently am, then I'll go anywhere (except for a few places). 

I got at my mom yesterday because I was feeling worthless.  I cried for a good hour or so, and felt like the world was better without me.  I started looking up stuff towards that feeling and then got scared and felt a bit of despair, which I did not like.  When I talked to Mom this morning, I told her what I was feeling but not to be scared because of the three things I mentioned.  I didn't want her concerned that she might lose me.  She even said, "Did you feel like quitting your job?" because I told her I felt I was stuck and doomed to be where I was for the rest of my life.  I hadn't thought about quitting my job, but that would not be fruitful because I have too many things to pay and take care of.  It would not be feasible.  Mom suggested I see the doctor because of the way I was feeling. 

Yesterday I felt like no one cared.  No one cared whether I lived or died.  Even my work BFF wanted to be with someone else.  I know every person has the right to do it and I'm glad she did, it just made my feelings that more volatile. 

Today I changed a bit of my outlook. I had to go to a former school that used to be torture for me when I first started out.  I don't like going there (at first I was ok) because I don't like being in the library, and I feel that's the only place I could go and second because I don't like the librarian there.  She has a very good way of making people feel less than human, or less than her by degrading you in a very intelligent way.  I know that people can't make people feel anything without permission, and I suppose one could say she gets under my skin, just like the people at work do.  I was told that I internalize too much of what is going on and that it is the "person's problem, not mine" if I like what I do.  But no matter what you do to be happy, there will be ways to try to bring that person down.  Misery loves company is the perfect saying for this type of feeling.  Furthermore, it's easier to say that's their problem but when you can't escape that area or group of people it makes things worse.  And since I'm internalizing it, how can I start to stop doing so when I'm just that way. 

I read this picture that really hit me and I enjoyed it because it was me.  It was all about introverts.

I wish I could publish this everywhere where I work.  I wish I could make a t-shirt out of it because it is who I am.  You can't push me to be someone I am not.  If I am happy about my work situation, then leave me alone to be happy in what you consider misery.  If I'm miserable don't try to make me happy because it won't work that way.  I have to push myself out of it in order to learn from what I have done or felt.  I know that right now I'm miserable because I feel like I have to be someone else.  Who or what or why you ask, I don't know, that's what I feel.  I'm going to therapy because I am working on weight issues but then I start talking about work and it becomes work issues.  I have so many feelings going on I get lost in them, then become frazzled because I don't know which ones to work on.  I have so many projects I want to do but I get super frustrated because I don't know which ones to work on.  All I want to do is sleep but I can't because there are too many things to do and I don't know which ones to work on.  I want to get rid of so many things but I can't because I don't know which ones I want to get rid of and God forbid it is something I need later on.  If that's the case then I can't get rid of everything I want to get rid of.  It is a vicious merry-go-round that will not stop, and it keeps going faster and faster and faster.  Meanwhile I'm feeling more stress and feel the need to tell everyone, "I'm just fine" so that they'll leave me alone in my misery.  I'm a enigma: I want this, but I want that, and neither make sense.  I want to be happy but leave me alone in my misery to figure stuff out.  I think I'm made to forever carry this cross of mental disease and defect.