I’m slowly getting my head out of despair, or rather extreme
sadness because of the things we talked about yesterday. I know my
therapist was trying to get me to define who I was but I felt weird, awkward,
and I couldn’t really say who I was. I still feel that way. It
wasn’t the greatest session out of all of them, and we ended earlier than
anticipated. Usually we run over. All I wanted to do was cry (this
was before the scandal broke out) and she said, “You look like you don’t have a
friend in the world”.
I kind of still do feel that way but it’s going away
slowly. I bought a Kinect dance game and it was fun to do and it made me
sweat and heart rate go up. I need to exercise and it’s not an option
because the release of the endorphins may be the extra key to this
madness. I do feel mad…not as in angry but as in a mad person, you know,
a lunatic. A functional lunatic. Being minutes away from entering
in the hospital last Friday plus feeling the despair, plus not knowing how to
let go of the crap past, plus taking things as my own instead of being ok with
letting people do what they do makes me feel mad, lunacy yet functional.
I don’t think I’m using that as a crutch but maybe I am. Maybe I do need
to stay in an institution away from everything where I can make crafts all day
long. I don’t know. How do I go past this? I’m praying the
Divine Mercy prayer each day.
I'm going to make an effort to go to Al-Anon. I attend and post stuff online but I think I need to go in person. I'm going to do it this week and see how it goes. I'm scared and very afraid, but I have to work on these things before it eats me completely alive. And I feel it will.
I must remember these things: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I've been taking others as my own (such as the RK thing) and acting like this happened to me. It is unacceptable. I have to relearn the language of letting go.
me
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