In My Humble Opinion, August 21, 2012

Today was a most interesting day.  I haven't blogged in quite a long time but I thought I better now, especially since I must share my day with my therapist.



I've been pretty good about detaching from the whole RK thing except when things come up.  For example, seeing Kristen yesterday about put me over the edge.  I flipflop back and forth when it comes to this whole situation.  The hole in my heart is healing up but there are times I want to take back that control and try to hold on as much as I can.  Like a person who is scared to go on the rollercoasters but has to and then holds on for dear life.  I remember once when I went on Space Mountain in Disneyland.  I told myself I was going to let go and not hold on to the seat.  When I did I was scared but it turned out to be a better ride than I thought. The same goes for life, I suppose.  There are times I grab on to the seat and then I have to remind myself to let go and just enjoy the ride.

However this RK thing isn't a ride.  My life isn't a ride.  I had a disagreement with Mom.  I went to the store and got a few things.  When I came home I needed help, and called Mom but she didn't answer.  I got mad. I thought, why do I even call and what is the point of calling if no one is going to answer.  I might as well live by myself.  When I came in, she noticed I had stuff in my hand.  Instead of offering to help, she tells me (what I think I heard) "turn on the light". I can't really turn on the light if I have a ton of things in my hands, now can I?  And if she was asking if I wanted the light on, then why didn't she just turn it on instead of asking?  I mean really!  She said it again and I was very curt with her and said, "I can't very well turn on the light when I have a lot of things in my hands" and then she said, "I'm going to bed".  That made me even madder.  I started putting everything away myself and then the dogs got into it and I took River and put him to bed because Mom didn't take him.  I put Penni in her bed and left Muffin out because he doesn't go into a house.  I was pissed off to the extreme.  I shouldn't have but I was.

Then today it was a mad house at work because we were told to train all these people when in actuality, we were only going to train 22 because it was our cap.  But Julie, the librarian who works on the side as a coordinator for the learning network, made more than 22 in our class.  I work for people who do not know how to stand up and tell people that they cannot put more than 22 in our class.  So our group is stretched thin.  I am thankful that we have a job.  I'm not thankful for people who do not listen or do not stand up for us.  We can't stand up for ourselves because we would be struck down.  It's all very very frustrating.

Today was my work BFF's birthday.  It was a nice celebration we had the three of us (me, N, and J).  I hurt N's feelings when I didn't go to the movie this past weekend but I had to take Mom shopping.  She said (Mom) to me that took me by surprise.  She noticed I wasn't on my phone like an appendage.  She said it was nice to talk to me without the phone attached.  I tried not to keep my phone with me and kept it at bay because sometimes my phone brings me misery.

I go through cycles where I believe I shouldn't have friends and think they're better off without me.  It would be a solution to not have to worry about them or care or have concern for them because of my relationships. Sometimes I think hermitage would be better.  But then I would miss the interactions I would have with others.  I don't know.  There are days I just want to run away from everything.  I get tired and I get even more mentally exhausted.  I just want to go away some place where I don't have to think about anyone or anything.  Not RK, not my parents, not my friends and not even myself.  I just want to cry.  That's all I want to do is just cry and cry.  I want to let go and think of nothing else but peace.  I think that's what my mind aches for - is peace of mind.  That's all I want.  That's all I want for my mind is peace.  No worries, no anxiety, no resentment, no anger, no sin.  Just peace.  I think the only way I will find peace is if I die.  I don't mean I'm suicidal, I just want to be left alone.  I just want to be left alone.

Elle